Bunny Trouble
by SoraliaRyujin
Summary: Carter loses Bunny to a captain. He returns to the base drunk and must lend a hand from Gomer or risk losing his stripes and his girl in one night.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Sergeant Carter hummed to himself as he thumbed through the official documents in the filing cabinet. Finding what he was looking for, he pulled the file out and whistled his way back to his desk. Corporal Boyle, hard at work at his own desk, couldn't help but watch the unusually cheerful sergeant.

"Big plans tonight, Sarge?" Carter had been waiting for that question all morning.

"You betcha," he said, scooting his chair aside and tilting his head back in thought. "Gee, Bunny's such a great girl."

"Why? What'd she do?"

"It started last week when I got pulled for guard duty. We had a whole night thrown out the window. Boy, was she upset, but what could I do? We had to cancel our date. But this morning, Bunny called me and said she'd rearranged her work schedule so we could go out tonight." At the last word, Carter rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

"But, Sarge," Boyle cautioned, "don't you have guard duty again tonight?"

"I don't go on duty until midnight. Relax, Boyle. I've got it all planned out. We'll start by catching an early movie. There's this teary romance playing tonight, she always softens up for those. After that, we'll go for dinner at Purchelli's. I know what you're thinking, Boyle. How could I afford it? Well, don't worry, I have a small stash saved up for an occasion such as this. Finally, we're going to end the date by driving up to Lookout Point. When we're done, I'll drive her home and head back to the base with enough time to change for guard duty."

At the end of this detailed monologue, Corporal Boyle nodded.

"Sounds like the perfect evening, Vince." Carter chuckled and leaned back over his desk.

"Too bad you can't find a girl like her, Boyle. She's everything a man could ask for." Ignoring the passive insult, Boyle again busied himself with his work.

Evening found Sergeant Carter happily snuggled against his girl, Bunny Wilson, in the corner booth at Purchelli's Italian diner. The restaurant had a dark, cozy atmosphere, and a radio playing Italian music in a low tone completed the perfect effect. The food on the table gradually lost its warmth, but the two lovers didn't care. Carter chuckled as he rubbed Bunny on the chin and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She giggled and feebly tried to resist, eventually ending up snuggling closer.

"Say it again, Vince," she sighed, "what you said before."

"Gladly," he replied, cocking her head up so their eyes met.

"Like the man in that movie said to his own girl; you're my shining star, my beacon in the night. He he he." Bunny shivered with excitement.

"Oh, the way you talk gives me chills, Vince."

"And why not? I don't make up these words, you inspire it all." A new voice interrupted their chatter; a deep, smooth voice that blended perfectly with the restaurant music.

"And when I see your face, my lady, my heart begins to flutter and my spirit cries, 'that is the one.'" Bunny sat up at the new voice and glanced around the restaurant. In the booth opposite theirs, a tall, dark-haired captain held out his hand toward Bunny and observed her with piercing blue eyes. Carter started to turn her head back towards him, but she pushed his hand away.

"Who is that?" she wondered out loud, "and why is he still watching me?"

"He's probably just some creep. Don't worry, he won't bother you." The captain continued.

"Oh, my hands wouldn't dream of touching a lady as fair as yourself." Bunny perked her head up and addressed the stranger.

"You really mean that?" Seeing his opening, the captain approached the table and hovered over the couple.

"Don't listen to him, Bunny," Carter hissed, "he's just another fast-talking fake."

"Who did you call a fake, Sergeant?" boomed the captain.

"N-no one, sir," Carter stammered. What could he say to a captain? He hovered between saving his girl and losing his stripes. Meanwhile, the captain reached across the table and took Bunny's hand in his.

"May I have this dance?" he crooned. Bunny hesitated for a second, but only a second. Pushing Carter's clutching hand aside, she scooted to the end of the booth and stood up with the assistance of the captain, who tipped his head at Carter and wrapped an arm around Bunny's waist. As the couple headed towards the dance floor, Carter saw every minute he'd spent with Bunny play out before his eyes. She was leaving. Leaping up from the booth, he grabbed her elbow.

"Bunny, what are you thinking? You're not gonna let this creep take you away, are you?" The captain leaned over close to Carter.

"Sergeant," he growled, "I suggest you move along before that creep puts you on report for insulting an officer." Bunny wrenched her arm from his grip.

"It's just one dance, Vince. I don't see what your problem is." He grabbed her shoulder instead.

"Please, Bunny. It was supposed to be just the two of us. Why ruin an evening?" She tried to wiggle out, but he gripped her tighter.

"Vince," she squealed, "people are watching. Get ahold of yourself." He yanked her away from the captains' arms and pulled her back towards the booth.

"Sergeant!" yelled the captain. He swung his arm, landing a meaty fist against Carter's jaw. Carter sailed between the row of tables and slammed into the wall. When the room stopped spinning, he stared up at the captain hovering over him with an arm around his girl. A multitude of onlookers had gathered around to watch with eager eyes.

"Consider yourself lucky, Sergeant," the captain growled, "Try anything again and I'll put you on report for groping a lady in public." Addressing Bunny, he said,

"Come along, darling. I know a restaurant downtown that far outranks this cramped joint. After dinner, why don't we take a spin in my sports car to Lookout Point? We've got all night to spend, and it's all yours."

Carter only watched in agony as the couple strode out the door, the captain with his hands on a girl that didn't belong to him. When they'd gone, he hauled himself to his feet, his face red with embarrassment. After paying the bill quickly as he could, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled out. For a moment, he stood there on the sidewalk for the loss of a better plan. What could he do? If he showed up at the base this early, Boyle was bound to ask questions he didn't want to answer. He decided the best thing to do was head to the nearest café and get himself a drink. Not too much, of course, but something to ease the shock of losing his girl.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Nearly an hour after the incident in Purchelli's, the movie theater finished another picture. Along with the stream of viewers walked two marine PFC's, Gomer Pyle and Duke Slater. Gomer broke the usual end-of-movie daze by saying,

"I forgot, what happened to the friend of the good guy after the bad guy found him?"

"I don't remember, Gomer," Duke sighed, "I wasn't even paying attention most of the time. Gee, I wish Lou-Ann and my date weren't busy tonight. This night'd be a lot more exciting."

"Well, what d'you suppose we do now? Should we head back to the base?"

"Are you kidding? It's too early. Hey, why don't we stop by the Bluebird Café and grab something to eat. At least it'd pass the time."

Gomer agreed, and the pair headed down the street towards the café. Once inside, they settled down at a round table to be greeted by the usual waitress. She wasted no time taking and giving them their orders, coffee for both with an ice cream sundae for Gomer. Gomer lifted his spoon and was just about to dig in when a familiar figure hunched over the bar counter caught his eye.

"Hey, Duke," he whispered, nudging his friend's leg with his foot, "isn't that Sergeant Carter over there?"

Duke followed Gomer's pointed finger to the hunched figure. His eyes widened and he turned away.

"You're right, it is. Careful, if we're quiet, he won't see us."

"Let's go say hello to 'im," Gomer piped.

"Say hello? Gomer, are you crazy? We have to listen to him all day, why torture ourselves at night, too?" Gomer had already left his seat and, sundae in hand, headed to the barstool beside his sergeant. Scooching onto the seat, he piped,

"Hey, Sergeant Carter." Carter rolled his head around and, at the sight of Gomer, cracked a wide grin.

"Gomer," he cackled, "my favorite marine. What brings you out 'ere?"

Gomer brightened at his sergeant's unusual friendliness. He opened his mouth to reply, but Carter leaned a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"Y- you know, Gomer, let me give' ya a bit o' advice. Never get too n'volved with a girl."

"Why's that, Sergeant?" Carter sat up straight, nearly falling over backward.

"'Cause she'll tear your 'eart in two, 'at's why."

With that sentence, Carter fell back over the counter and buried his head in his hands, moaning, "be-ootiful, be-ootiful Bunny. 'Ow could you le-leave me?"

Taking notice of Carter's unusual behavior, Duke joined his buddy at the bar and almost immediately diagnosed the problem.

"Gomer, the Sarge is drunk!" Gomer turned to him in shock.

"Drunk? I can't believe it."

"You don't have to; you can see it for yourself." Meanwhile, Carter in the same fashion.

"I did everything for you, and 'is is 'ow you repay me. 'Tupid captain." Gomer watched him helplessly.

"What do we do, Duke? If someone finds him like this, he's bound to get in real trouble."

"Yeah, especially since he has guard duty in a few hours. He could get kicked out of the Corps. Hey, I know. One of us run out and find Bunny. She'll know how it happened and what to do about it. The other'll stay here and babysit the Sarge."

"Well, how d'we decide who does what?" Carter attempted to stand up from the barstool but tripped and nearly toppled on his face. Gomer and Duke leaped up from their stools to catch him, each grabbing one of his arms.

"Whoops," Carter hiccupped, "did I fall?"

"No, Sergeant," Gomer replied.

"Good. I hate to fall- to fall down in public."

Duke grit his teeth and hissed, "Gomer, you'd do anything for the Sarge, wouldn't you?"

"Why of course I would, especially at a time like this." Giving his buddy a pat on the shoulder, Duke let his half of the sergeant lean on Gomer.

"Stay right here, babysitter. I'll be back in a jiffy." As Duke dashed out the door, Carter chuckled and grinned up at Gomer.

"Pyle, did I ever tell you 'ow funny you look when you're c'ncerned?" Gomer sighed and tried to guide his sergeant to the nearest booth.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When he reached the street, Duke paused. Where would he find Bunny? At her apartment? Hold on, Carter had mentioned something about a captain. Stopping the nearest couple of passersby, he asked,

"Have you seen a marine captain and a tall blonde lady anywhere?" They shook their heads. He jogged down the street a couple of blocks and asked the same an elderly man sitting on a bench. The old man grinned, nodded, and pointed down the street where a couple outside Purchelli's restaurant was climbing into a red sports car. The woman was undoubtedly Bunny.

"Bunny!" he cried, waving his arms like a lunatic, "Bunny, wait!" Bunny and her escort paused as he rushed up to them.

"Duke?" remarked Bunny, "What are you doing here?"

"You know this private?" growled the captain.

"Well, yeah. He's one of Carter's men. What's the matter, Duke?" Struggling to catch his breath from the sudden sprint, Duke wheezed,

"It's Sergeant Carter. You've gotta come quick before he gets himself kicked out of the marines."

"Kicked out of the marines? For what?"

"For being drunk! Drunk on duty. Please, Bunny, you've gotta come quiet him down or sober him up. At least don't let him go back to the base like this." Bunny opened her mouth to reply, but the captain smirked.

"So this is your kind, sweet Vince. One man gets the better of him and he makes a fool of himself." Bunny returned his smirk.

"Yeah. It's a good thing I found this out now before we got too involved." The captain wrapped his arm around her shoulder and said,

"Believe me, a man that can't take a blow with his head up isn't worth the time."

"But you've gotta at least see him," Duke begged.

"Sorry, Duke," Bunny replied, "but Vince has embarrassed me enough already. I'm not making a fool out of myself again." With that, she whirled around and stepped into the waiting car. The captain shut the door behind her and nodded at Duke, who threw a prompt salute before shuffling back to the Bluebird.

Meanwhile, Gomer struggled to keep a drunk Carter under wraps.

"Waitress!" barked Carter, waving his hand and nearly smacking Gomer in the face, "another beer on th' double."

"No, no, no," insisted Gomer. Nodding as politely as he could to the waitress, he said, "No more beer here, ma'am. Thank you."

"E-ey," growled Carter, "what d'you think you're doin'? Ah'm still a sergeant ya know. An you can't tell me when ta stop drinkin'."

"Sergeant, believe me, you've had enough." Carter pounded his fist on the table and yelled,

"NO! WAITRESS!"

Gomer winced.

"Sergeant, please be quiet. I'll go get you somethin' if you'll just be quiet." Shawn Dickerson settled back in the booth.

"Thanks, Gomer. You're a pal." Gomer slid out of the booth and hurried over to the waitress.

"S'cuse me, ma'am. I don't mean to bother you, but if you could glass of milk for my sergeant, I'd sure appreciate it. You see, he just lost his girl which upset him somethin' terrible. And when she left him, he started drinkin' and now he's got 'imself in a mess." He would have kept going, but the waitress cut him off with a nod of agreement and headed towards the kitchen. Gomer turned back towards the booth, and his jaw dropped. The booth was empty.

"Sergeant?" he said, spinning in a circle, "Sergeant Carter?" The sergeant was nowhere in sight. Gomer hurried out onto the street just in time to see Carter climb into a taxicab. He waved his arms and bolted towards the cab.

"Sergeant, wait!" The cab roared off and disappeared around the corner. Gomer stared after it in shock. As he did, Duke appeared at his side.

"No luck. Bunny wouldn't come. She's glued to that captain. Where's the Sarge, inside?" Gomer shook his head.

"No, he ain't inside."

"Then where is he? Gomer, you were watching him, where did he go?" Gomer pointed down the street.

"He just drove off in that there taxicab."

"Oh no. Gomer, you've lost him!"

Back at the base, Corporal Boyle sat on his bunk listening to the radio before turning in for the night. He was just about to switch the radio off when the door to the duty hut swung open and Sergeant Carter tottered in, singing at the top of his lungs.

"_This is ze army, Missr Jones!_" Leaning against the door frame, he said, "Hi, Chuck. How's it goin'?" Boyle could only stare in shock. He'd never even dreamed he would find Carter like this.

"Sarge, what happened? I thought you were out with Bunny."

"You know, Chuck, lemme tell you somethin'. I was havn' a great time when all'f a sudden- poof!"

"Poof? You mean she left you?"

"'Tupid captain," Carter snarled. He reeled forwards and nearly faceplanted, but Boyle grabbed his arm and practically dragged him to his bunk.

"Sarge, how could you do this to yourself? You have guard duty in almost two hours!" Carter sagged on the edge of the bunk and shook his finger in the air.

"Oh, don' worry, Boyle. I'll be there. Sergeant Carter ne'er shirks his duty, 'at's for sure."

"You're not going like this. You'll be kicked out of the Corps." Patting Carter on the back, he said, "Come on, Sarge. Let's get you sobered up." As soon as Boyle headed to the lockers to find something that would snap his sergeant out of the daze, Carter slouched over on the bunk and wiped out. When Boyle returned, he found Carter curled up on the bunk in a drunken sleep. He shook his sergeant violently by the shoulder, but with no result.

"Sarge, you've gotta wake up. Come on, Sarge, this is serious." Nothing worked. Carter remained in as deep a sleep as ever.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

At a loss for what else to do, Duke and Gomer finally decided to catch the next bus to the base. They had agreed that it was the most likely place for Carter to go. After waiting an excruciating ten minutes for the last bus to arrive, they scrambled aboard and begged the weary driver to make the trip in record time. It was hardly that, but they finally climbed off the bus and raced back to the duty hut to find Boyle desperately shaking the motionless sergeant, who was lying facedown on the bunk. Boyle looked up as they stormed in.

"What are you boys doing here?" he demanded.

"S'cuse me, Corporal," said Gomer, hurrying to the bunk, "but we came lookin' for the sergeant. We found 'im in town, then we lost 'im, and now we found 'im again but it looks like he's in real trouble."

"How'd he get on the base?" asked Duke.

"Who knows? He just walks in here says something about girls, and falls on the bed."

"We've gotta wake him up before he goes on duty tonight," said Gomer.

"I know, that's what I've been trying to do for the past ten minutes. Help me, will 'ya?" together, the three of them shook Carter as hard as they could, but all they managed to do was rattle the bunk out of place. Carter moaned and shifted in his sleep but otherwise didn't stir. Duke and Boyle nodded at each other and began rolling him towards the edge of the bunk. The cautious Gomer grew concerned.

"I don't know about this. I just don't want to hurt 'im."

"Gomer, he can't feel a thing. Believe me, this won't hurt him a bit," Duke reassured. With one last shove, they flipped him over the edge. He hit the ground with the thump of an overfilled sandbag but still didn't stir. All three marines exchanged hopeless glances.

"What are we gonna do?" Gomer moaned, "He's gonna get 'imself court-marshaled. We can't let that happen, we just can't."

"I know Gomer," Duke replied, "but what else can we do?"

"You can stand back and let a woman handle this," demanded a sharp voice from the back of the duty hut. Everyone whirled around to see Bunny standing in the doorway with a bucket in her hand.

"Bunny!" they all exclaimed.

"How'd you get in here?" asked Boyle.

"Nevermind." With that, she stormed up to the sleeping Carter and tossed the bucket of ice water on him. The frigid water hit his face with a smack. Carter stiffened, spluttered, and struggled to a sitting position.

"Wha' happened?" he coughed before finding himself nose-to-nose with Bunny. She thrust a finger in his face.

"Now look here," she yelled, "You've made a shambles of yourself. You've embarrassed me in public and shamed yourself in front of your own men. If you had any pride left, you'd pull yourself together before you ruin your life. You hear me?" Carter stared at her a moment, then broke into a wide grin.

"Bunny? You came back?"

"You bet I came back. I had a long talk with myself on the way to Lookout Point with that phony captain and you know what?"

"Yeah?"

"I realized I was wrong. I've done a terrible thing leaving you like that. I'm the one that caused this mess and I just came back to tell you I'm sorry." Carter's smile never wavered.

"You came back? You came back?" He laughed like a lunatic.

"Imagine that, fellas! She came back!" Bunny smirked and stepped back as Boyle beckoned for Duke and Gomer to help him.

"Alright, Sarge," he said, grabbing Carter's arm and hoisting the sergeant to his feet.

"Let's get you sobered up. Come on, boys, to the showers." Together, Duke and Gomer helped guide the sergeant to the back room, leaving Bunny to herself to chuckle to her heart's delight.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It took six runs through a cold shower, but Carter finally managed to sober up in time to hastily change to a dry uniform, give Bunny one quick peck on the cheek, and race out the door. He barely made it to the guardhouse in time, but did so without complaint and managed to carry through the rest of the night without so much as a fuzzy word. However, reveille found him hunched over his desk silently begging his stomach to stop churning. Boyle silently at his own desk, but the scribble of his pencil seemed to be amplified ten times over. A knock sounded at the door, which felt like a hammer against his head.

"Come in," he growled. The sound of his own voice made his head throb. It was the only thing preventing his shouting at the top of his lungs when Gomer Pyle waltzed through the door with his stupid grin. Carter buried his face in his hands and prayed that his stomach wouldn't order him to the latrine. Pyle waved.

"Hey, Sergeant."

"What do you want, Pyle?" Carter moaned.

"I just stopped by to see how you were doin' after last night." He glanced over the sergeant.

"You look a little peaked, like my Uncle Wilfred back home. Every Saturday mornin' he'd come to town lookin' a little green around the gills." Carter swallowed hard and said,

"I'm fine, Pyle. Now, will you get out of here?"

"Sure, Sergeant. I was just checkin' to see that you're alright. Boy, you sure were a mess when we found you in that café. It sure is a good thing we went in there, or you'd probably be packin' up your thangs this very minute."

"Yeah, sure Pyle. Now go." As Pyle turned to leave, Carter felt an expectant stare from Boyle's side of the room. He stood up as quickly as he could, trying to ignore the spinning room.

"Oh, Pyle?"

"Yes, Sergeant?"

"I just wanted to say it was a good thing you boys did for me last night. After all, you didn't have to do anything. And I sure made a fool out of myself, and out of the whole platoon." Pyle failed to suppress a grin.

"Aw, it was no trouble, Sergeant. Duke and I, we're always willin' to help a friend in need."

"Right, but what I'm trying to say is…"

"It sure was lucky we stopped in there. You know we almost walked right on by? Imagine what would've happened if we'd decided against orderin' drinks."

"Pyle, I just wanted to say…"

"Why, if we hadn't gone in thar, you'd probably be sittin' in the brig this very minute."

"PYLE WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?" The sudden burst of energy caused the room to spin double-time. Carter lurched forward, but steadied himself.

"I just wanted to say thank you for what you did and, well, I'm sorry for the way I acted." Pyle blushed.

"Shoot, Sergeant. It weren't nothin'." Carter started to smile back, but as he did the contents of his stomach erupted. Clapping a hand over his mouth, he scurried to the back room, leaving Boyle chuckling to himself and Pyle shaking his head in both concern and confusion.

"Oh well," Gomer muttered to himself as he left the duty hut, "at least we still have the sergeant, even if he is startin' to take after Uncle Wilfred."


End file.
